Becoming the things I’m afraid of

The past few days I have been a victim of stress eating. I love food, good food. Organic, homemade, pastries, fine foods. Freakin’ hell I’m a baker! Although one of my most hated habits is my reliance on stress eating. I go back and forth between stress eating and stress induced anorexia. Depending on the trigger, this time was the eating. It wouldn’t be so bad if I turned to broccoli, asparagus, good ole’ egg on a homemade english muffin, topped with cheese, avocado, horse radish. Instead I rush to the store and grab heavily processed foods. Lemon Oreos, never tried those before, in the cart. Family size box of ritz crackers? I can do a sleeve a day.

I’m stressed, mostly because I’m afraid of what I’m going to become, the path I’m heading on and one of my greatest fears.

I don’t want to be alone. I scare myself, ghosts in the house, to have no one to touch me- no one to touch- to think I might wind up all alone. I’ll need someone to focus my love on. I’m full of love. But I’m afraid. Sometimes I try to blame it on my parents relationship. It’s not a good excuse and it is often in the back of my head. I’m subconsciously thinking of all the things I don’t want to do because I’ve seen the bad example. But I focus on them so much that it becomes my reality.

My mom had an affair for two years. She never bothered to hide it. I knew, I may have been 15 but I noticed, I knew immediately. He was married. It ended in ruins, the wife found out. My father wasn’t angry or sad though, I’d never seen any love between my parents. From my whole memory they had never slept in the same bed. My dad slept in the guest room on the opposite end of the house. They didn’t kiss or touch. They were angry and did nothing together besides their shouting matched of distaste towards each other.

I think I was ruined. That’s how at some point I found myself in bed with a good friend of mine who had a girlfriend. I knew it was wrong, but they were going through a rough patch and she had already chested on him. My personal MO is to sleep around jumping for person to person because I can’t commit. So it happened. Many details later he used the fact that he cheated on her with me to end their relationship. Eventually they did get back together. I am a home wrecker.

The stress eating came from when I was grocery shopping with a friend of mine and we saw them in the store. My friend was also a good friend of his and hadn’t seen him in a while. The four of us stood there in awkward conversation, the anger and tension was plentiful. Which is how I am what I didn’t want to be. Deep down I feel used up, unloved, an object, I’m that girl. The one from the lifetime movie who sweeps in and destroys something good. I hate myself for it. I want to change, unsure how. I’m caught up with my past, the fear of replicating what my parents had.

I have an impending fear that I can never get married because it will evolve into a hate where I’m ignored. How can I get married if I can’t find anyone to keep me. I can’t make myself stay with anyone because I don’t think they want me. One night stand, fling, easy. I’m becoming what I don’t want to be. I have to set my mind on what I want to be. No more purple elephant in the room. Think good things and they will come?

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Luck, forever with me

With everything I can muster and for imminent complaints in the future, I love my life. For all the mistakes I have made, drinking tickets acquired, the jobs I didn’t get, friends lost, moments that still bring a flush to my face (I’m thinking split pants), so far my world has been beautiful. I had the opportunity to move from my humble town in Vermont to Colorado. Not everyone has the chance to just pick up and start new.

For clarification, I’m not running away from anything, well, not really. I lust for adventure, travel, new people, interactions, ambitions. So I picked myself up and moved. When I would think about my future in Vermont without a chance to break free, even for a little while was sending me into fits of disappointment. I wish to see and do so much, I thrive on the exhaust of new things.

My roommates are some of the best people in the world. From our shared love of food, friendship and an understanding to might light of things before it goes too far. No one takes it personally, we are four people living under one roof with many different ideas> But we push our fellow living mates to go out on a limb. Talk to that cute guy behind you in the coffee line!

The opportunities I’ve been able to take up, I am so grateful for and that is why I love my life. I have a strong passion for food, baking, eating, textures and smells. An opportunity to bake professionally at a restaurant creating their breads and desserts was thrown at me like a fast ball and I hit it out of the park. It sparked the idea in my head that I could bake for a living, why not? I love it. If I woke up tomorrow a wet, oozy fermenting pile of dough, I’d have no complaints.

I’ve hiked a lot of mountains in good company and with no company. Troubles have been had- a few times I thought I would be no more- and so far it had been wonderful. Things have fallen into place and I can call myself lucky. When I see other people struggling and trying to keep afloat I wish I could send them some of my luck. So I share my adventures and thoughts will you all. Sometimes you just need to document your life and thoughts so you can make sure it really happened.